A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

2006-08-14T23:59:00.000-05:00

The voices in my head say you have a mental problem.

2006-08-14T23:46:00.000-05:00

When life hands you lemons throw them at someone!

2006-07-21T00:08:00.000-05:00

Not all men are fools, Some are single.

2006-07-19T01:39:00.000-05:00

You are the kind of person that is a blueprint for the making of an idiot.

2006-07-19T01:38:00.000-05:00

I'm a vegetarian by choice - I don't love animals, I just hate vegetables.

2006-07-19T01:36:00.000-05:00

Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

2005-06-28T00:43:00.000-05:00

Happiness is seeing my ex-husband's picture on the back of a milk carton!

2005-06-24T12:26:00.000-05:00

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; give him a freshly-charged electric eel and chances are he won't bother you for anything ever again.

2005-06-23T22:22:00.000-05:00

I never get lost, everybody tells me where to go.

2005-06-23T11:48:00.000-05:00

Eat beef, the west was not won by chickens!

2005-06-17T22:57:00.000-05:00

Raising kids is like having your eyes pecked out by hungry hens!

2005-06-17T22:55:00.000-05:00

The way to avoid certain failure? Stay in bed!

2005-06-17T22:10:00.000-05:00

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

2005-06-17T22:09:00.001-05:00

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

2005-06-17T22:09:00.000-05:00

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

2005-06-17T22:08:00.000-05:00

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

2005-06-17T22:06:00.000-05:00

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

2005-06-14T22:12:00.000-05:00

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

2005-06-14T22:11:00.001-05:00

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

2005-06-14T22:11:00.000-05:00

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

2005-06-14T22:07:00.000-05:00

I fish -- therefore I lie.

2005-06-09T22:30:00.001-05:00

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

2005-06-09T22:30:00.000-05:00

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

2005-06-09T22:29:00.000-05:00

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

2005-06-08T23:51:00.000-05:00

If it's called tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

2005-06-08T23:02:00.000-05:00

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

2005-06-08T23:01:00.000-05:00

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

2005-06-08T23:00:00.000-05:00

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

2005-06-07T23:21:00.000-05:00

DIVORCE: The screwing you get, for the screwing you got.

2005-06-07T23:14:00.000-05:00

Hire a teenager while they still know everything.

2005-06-07T22:53:00.000-05:00

Never leave your toothbrush unattended with an angry woman.

2005-06-02T13:08:00.000-05:00

I do not have a superiority complex, I am superior!

2005-06-02T12:59:00.000-05:00

Never drive faster than your guardian Angel can fly!

2005-06-02T12:39:00.000-05:00

The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional tothe stupidity of your actions.

2005-06-02T12:35:00.000-05:00

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

2005-06-02T12:11:00.000-05:00

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

2005-04-27T23:17:00.000-05:00

My anger management class pisses me off!

2005-04-27T23:16:00.000-05:00

Taking the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.

2005-04-27T23:08:00.000-05:00

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

2005-04-13T23:27:00.000-05:00

I used to keep an open mind..... but my brain kept falling out!

2005-03-06T00:09:00.000-05:00

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

2005-02-28T01:14:00.000-05:00

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you!

2005-02-24T23:44:00.000-05:00

Why is it that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

2005-02-22T01:36:00.000-05:00

Just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get me!

2005-02-17T23:14:00.000-05:00

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." Such simple advice. So, I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. Today I finished one bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a box of chocolates and a half gallon of rocky road ice-cream. You have no idea how good I feel!

2005-02-15T23:42:00.000-05:00

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

2005-02-11T23:51:00.000-05:00

I spend most of my time trying to remember what it was I wasn't supposed to forget!

2005-02-10T20:28:00.000-05:00

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don'tpoint to their butt when they ask where the bathroom is?

2005-02-06T01:13:00.000-05:00

The best thing about hating people is that you never run out of great ideas.

If you object to logging, try using plastic toilet paper.

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

I smile because I have no idea what's going on.

2005-02-03T13:30:00.000-05:00

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

2005-02-03T01:09:00.000-05:00

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed Up?

2005-02-01T23:33:00.000-05:00

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? Why is it that when we say an adult has the mind of a child, we lock them up, but children are allowed to run free? What did cured ham actually have? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

2005-01-31T13:11:00.000-05:00

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

2005-01-31T13:10:00.000-05:00

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

2005-01-31T13:09:00.000-05:00

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

2005-01-31T13:08:00.000-05:00

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

2005-01-31T13:00:00.000-05:00

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

2005-01-31T02:41:00.000-05:00

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap!